God has been tweaking me lately. Ever since I first heard Toby Mac's "Lose My Soul" on the radio it has touched me. Well, the other night I got a FaceBook update from Toby Mac's fan page. Of course, it was the video. I watched it and started sobbing. About that time my wife and son came downstairs and it got even worse.... an out of control, deep in my soul, cleansing outburst. I haven't had one of these for several years.
Of course Laura was concerned. Through the sobs, chest heavings and tears, I tried to tell her that it was a good thing. God was doing something in me that needed to be done. I don't know that she has ever seen me when God has truly broken me. Not sure what she thought...
Anyway, here's the lyrics that have consistently touched me.
"Father God, I am clay in your hands,
Help me to stay that way through all life's demands,'
Cause they chip and they nag and they pull at me,
And every little thing I make up my mind to be,
Like I'm gonna be a daddy whose in the mix,
And I'm gonna be a husband who stays legit...
...I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don't wanna walk away, let me hear the people say." Toby Mac
One of my greatest fears is that I fail in my role as a "daddy whose in the mix". It is one of the strongest commands of God, that we are to teach our children about God. Deut 6:7, Deut 11:19, Lev. 10:11, and on and on... But this is more then just a teaching, it's supposed to be a leading into a vibrant relationship with his creator and the lover of his soul.
My fear is that at some point Timmy will turn from Laura and I, and walk away from God.
I see it so often in Christians who are strict in their discipline and judgemental towards the world. They do and say all the right things and yet their kids either walk away from their god, or they become just like their parents, either judgemental. Another type is the christian who lives a god life with no real passion or commitment. Their kids grow up going to church but then are lured away by the pleasures of the world. I was in this 2nd group.
One of my greatest desires is to see Timmy walk with God, not because we tell him to, but because he has developed his own relationship with Jesus. This needs to be based on love and a grateful heart, not on trying to please mom and dad.
It is such a challenge for me right now because he watches my every step and listens to my every word. Even today, Laura was having a bad day with a "customer service" rep and Timmy walked up to her and put his arms around her as she sat in the chair like I would do.... And he also is proud of the noises his body makes...
I am so torn right now over my love for them and my need to spend more time being the provider. Business is slow and we have CC debt that I'm afraid will get out of control if the rates adjust. I want to be that dad that whose in the mix and that husband that stays legit...
Lord, I need you. Help me to keep my eyes on you. Help me to trust that you will continue to be our provider and shelter. Help me to trust that as I walk with you, and put my family first, you will continue to provide for our needs. Lord I love you.
well, once again, it's late.
Here's another video of the song